You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
