lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
