Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
