Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
