broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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