Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
