I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
