He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
