You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
