I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
