I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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