I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
