I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize