It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
