he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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