dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
