she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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