I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Found the puke drawer
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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