I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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