So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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