oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
