i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
