I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
