Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
