I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How does one acquire holy water?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
