My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
