i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
