her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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