come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
