Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
