he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
