There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
