I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize