When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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