If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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