i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
