finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
