i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
