I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
