FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
