i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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