she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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