Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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