Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
