im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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