when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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