I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
