i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
