Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
40s are totally the cure
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
