Swine flu is the new snow day.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
