Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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