I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
