I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
