Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
