I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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