Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize