I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
