i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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