You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
