good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
