1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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