He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
