I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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