dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
