Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
