yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
