so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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