When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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